Soundtrack: Soundtrack: Accidents Will Happen, Elvis Costello & the Attractions; Wild Wild Life, Talking Heads; You Might Think, The Cars; Unsound, The Headstones; Like The Twilight, Ryan Adams; Experimental Film, They Might Be Giants

Coldcocked

2008 • AuKestrel

It's not like I asked for this, okay? But when your arch-nemesis falls into your arms - okay, not literally, people, try to keep up - and knocks himself out cold, well, I mean. What would you do?

Scratch that. If you were trying to take over the world and get into the Evil League of Evil, and (if I do say so myself) a very sane, thank you, genius, what would you do?

So.

Now I have a superhero tied to my bed. [angles webcam] 

Superhero. Pffft.

One of the things you have to realise is that the world needs me. It needs to realise that Captain Obvious over there is responsible for more suffering and oppression than -

“What the hell  do you think you’re doing?”

I knew this was coming: you have to explain the alphabet to him. Seriously. He got lost on the Red Line once.

“Because Random Acts switched the lines on me! I swear, Billy, if you don’t let me go now your death’s going to be slow.

“And painful. Instead of fast. And painless. Well. Less painful.”

See what I mean?

So. Yeah. I haven’t really thought this out. I mean, I’m not worried about the chains holding him. One more example of how brains ought to be ruling the world - 

“What the hell is this stuff?”

It’s okay to gloat, right? I mean, that’s what evil, horrible geniuses do, right? 

It’s an alloy of my own devising. The chains and the bed frame. Could you shut up? I’m trying to gloat here.

“The LAPD watches your blog, you know!”

I know. Too bad their IPs are blocked now. Moist comes in handy for more than you’d think. Plus, of course, they don’t know where I live, but try pointing that out to Captain Dumber.

“You won’t get away with this!”

Maybe I should have taken Moist up on that ball gag offer. He said he got a deal from some vampire in WeHo who was closing out his collection, but it was…. Used. You know? And I just had to wonder: who used? How used?

Yeah. No.

Anyway. Gloating aside, which might take a while, I have to tell you, it’s just now sinking in. I’m going to have to feed him and - and take him for walks… and give him baths and...

I never had a puppy.

“You don’t have one now! You have a Hammer! A very, very angry Hammer who’s going to wring your scrawny little neck-”

Yeah, now, see? That’s the thing. I’m not sure taking him for walks is the best idea. Maybe I could rig up a portable bathtub and toilet -

“You are crazy, you know that? You’re crazy!”

Hello, Evil Super-genius here, I think I’d know if I was crazy. This is the thing: the world doesn’t appreciate brains. The superheroes? All brawn, all the time. Phytoplankton is smarter than these guys. 

“Is that the little green guy with one eye?”

That’s a zooplankton. See what I mean? How can you not know the difference? And this is who the world’s depending on to save it?

“We’ve done pretty good so far, in case you haven’t noticed, Dr. Asshole!”

I’m thinking of changing my name. Dr. Hammerbrecher has a nice, evil ring to it, nicht wahr? 

“Speak English! What are you saying?”

Hammerbrecher, you idiot. What does it sound like?

“It sounds like you have something caught in your throat.”

Could you shut up for, like, five minutes? 

“Make me.”

Oh, for God’s sake. How old are you?

“I’m twen-”

I know how old you are, and how much you weigh, the circumference of your biceps, and your approximate gluteal mass, Captain Asshammer. In grams and moles.

“…”

It’s important to be - to be informed about your arch-nemesis. Don’t they teach you this stuff at superhero school? 

“I don’t have any moles on my ass.”

Put your pants back - wait, how did you do that? 

“You just have to flex your muscles here and here just ri-”

Yeah, whatever. I don’t want to look at your ass or your - Good God!

“They don’t call me Captain Hammer for nothing.”

Okay, put that away! This is a family-friendly blog.  Kids do not need to see -

“Then turn it off.”

Why should I? 

“I’ll show you.”

God, stop waving it. When the FCC comes after me, you’re paying the fine. All right, all right, it’s off. Now what?

[Audio fading] “Now blow me.”

It’s the third time this week I’ve “captured” him. 

I wonder if he’d follow me to Vienna.

Or New Zealand.